


happiness i cannot feel (and love to me is so unreal)

by unholyminter (oneswhonever)



Category: The Ultimate Sidemen
Genre: Alternate Universe, Explicit Language, Homophobic Language, Lowercase, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Pining, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-11
Updated: 2018-01-11
Packaged: 2019-03-03 12:08:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13340946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oneswhonever/pseuds/unholyminter
Summary: simon goes between feeling too much, and nothing at all. he definitely feels too much for harry lewis.





	happiness i cannot feel (and love to me is so unreal)

**Author's Note:**

> essentially what this is is self-indulgent trash :)
> 
> also a warning for homophobic language in some parts, especially in later chapters, because this ethan is an insensitive dude bro.
> 
> oh also really short chapters most of the time, and lowercase just because.
> 
> i'm depressed as and now so is simon.
> 
> mature rating mostly for the language tbh. it's subject to change.
> 
> happy reading xx

london nights are always the coldest. they have no right to be. it's nearing the end of august, but they both notice the way simon's teeth are chattering, so jj calmly slips off his hoodie and wraps it around the blond's shoulders - simon protests, but uselessly, because jj is hearing none of it. he was too hot, anyway, and seemingly unaffected by the elements. 

"you're too lovely to me," he tells jj, mostly joking. jj rolls his eyes, mostly fond. "you'd make a great boyfriend, jide."

josh snorts, toying with a lit joint. "settle down, gay ass."

he leans over to pass it to simon, and when their fingers brush, it's electric. simon is convinced there are literal sparks, but josh pulls back like it's nothing, so simon does the same - ignoring the tightening of his chest. as soon as his hands are free, josh has his phone out. ever since he started dating, he's been so attached to the damn thing. simon thinks it's inappropriate to be jealous of your totally straight best friend, so he never comments on it. he can't. however, jj must notice the way that simon's entire face falls, because he leans over and wraps his arm around simon's shoulders. 

he wishes he could feel anything for jj. they could work out really well. they've extended well beyond the point of casual sex, but still, they've both discussed their emotional detachment. they've said enough to make it certain that they could never work out as anything other than friends. an odd blowjob here and there, maybe, but that's only on a good day. 

he's not been having many of those, lately. 

 

\---

 

the diagnosis is anemia, which could very well explain why simon has been so cold, so tired. it clings for awhile, and drags him way the hell down. his parents loom over him, don't necessarily like it when he leaves the house, so he's pretty much trapped inside for the rest of the summer. he starts feeling at least moderately better when school starts back up again, and since he's been going stir crazy, he declines missing even a day. 

josh isn't to the bus stop yet when he arrives, but there's someone else there. he's tall, but no taller than simon. his hair is golden blond, and he's adorned in a tight-fitting blue jumper that really brings out the blue in his eyes. new kids aren't a rarity in london, so there's no real reason why simon is stunned when he approaches. 

"hi," the stranger says, and it rolls off his tongue with ease. his demeanor is calm, confident. "i'm harry."

_harry._

simon clears his throat, trying to manage the most stability he can when he speaks. "simon." he's embarrassed about the cracking in his voice, that makes it sound like he's going through puberty (josh has teased him about it plenty, so sue him if he's insecure). harry doesn't even flinch. "nice to meet you."

"likewise," is the response, and simon can't help but to stare at his lips when he talks. they settle into a lovely, juicy pout - almost like it's his resting facial expression. it must be. "i just moved here a few weeks ago. just over there." he gestures wildly, but simon is able to follow it - to the house that's just a few down from his own, the one right next door to josh's. "please tell me you're year 12?"

"13, actually," simon says, though he's disappointed to know he probably won't be seeing much of harry at school because of the evident age gap. "i know some guys your age, though. good lads. i could set you up, if you'd like."

"sure," harry replies, amicably. "though i'm kind of sad it won't be with you."

simon's heart thuds so loudly he can almost  _hear_ it, but he's saved from the embarrassment of having to reply when josh finally jogs up, to the rescue. he's more neatly groomed than normal - props to his girlfriend, simon can only assume.

"hey haz," josh greets the younger lad first, and simon's interest is peaked. he wonders how long josh and harry have been speaking, and why he hadn't been informed. "si, you finished the summer reading, right? i think i fucked up the study guide."

they sit together on the bus, in the very back. harry declines to join them and instead sits up front, for which simon is almost glad. whilst josh frets over the summer assignment, simon frets for an entirely different reason. when he reveals to josh that he thinks harry was flirting, the brunet laughs. 

"that's harry for ya," he says, though he doesn't even look up from the packet. "we got drunk together a few nights ago and he damn near stuck his hand down my pants. don't take it personally."

simon looks at him quizzically, but declines to comment. he doesn't know what would come out if he elected to open his mouth. 

 

\---

 

simon is surprised to see harry and ethan click so well. the two join them on the pavement outside for lunch, and although they've only just met a few hours ago (props to simon's ingenious set up), they're practically attached at the hip. ethan isn't gay, he makes a plethora of jokes that dance of the brink of being mad homophobic, but the untrained eye could be mistaken. 

"i'm essentially a failure," ethan is telling them as he picks apart a slice of oily canteen pizza. simon's salad is a delicacy in comparison. "my english teachers are pretty lax this year, which is nice, because i already fucked myself over on the summer assignment. josh, you weren't kidding about mister lancaster - dude's a fucking dick. he basically called me stupid, and it's the first fucking day."

harry looks at ethan like he's a bloody god, or something. "i think you're great."

simon expects ethan to recoil, call him a queer because that's just  _who he is,_ but he never does. simon has to wonder the kind of power someone has to make ethan payne behave like a normal human being. 

"i know i am," is what ethan says, and the laugh that josh lets out could level the whole courtyard. 


End file.
